This is becoming quite a difficult post to write, because I don’t know what to really say, and unusually for me, I am searching for words to describe how I feel this morning.
Forgive me, as it may seem that I have lost my marbles, but I haven’t just trying to work through difficult concepts with words…
It might appear to someone who casually inspects my world, that I spend every weekend, moaning or reflecting on a grubby week, pile of To Dos and I just ricochet from one emergent grief to another, and nothing substantially alters - but this is not so.
“things” – intangible, unquantifiable, do change and alter orbit in my world, slowly and stealthily, unconsciously and unnoticed, until I wake up one morning, and I am conscious that the axis has tilted and I am looking over a different horizon.
The balance of grief and chaos suddenly changes, and I can take a big breathe and start on another project of resolution. There is never any shortage growing up and suffocating my creativity!!
I can also choose to pause and be happy for a moment, because there is no impending emergency…
This morning is one of those mornings where I give myself the gift of time to reflect, before moving on.
The morning started as any other – with all kinds of theatrical lines running around in my head – the muse had decided to visit …
I woke up properly, sat in my “Creativity Room” (which still needs a name suitable to fit its function if anybody has any ideas).
I looked around in creative contemplation at the mountain of wool, wallpaper (skanked from B & Q last week for Mood Boards), books, DVDs and sheer academia (yep – despite blogging like a plonker I do write seriously sometimes…)
In amongst all of this, sat inset into the desk is my computer – the portal to the outside world…
Happy and content, I switched on a CD and listened to a some song tracks, selected in a different time in my life and I got out my notebook… and waited for the muse to descend again – as I knew she would..
thought I would write a bit – and still waited for the promised inspiration… and then I got distracted by the bird song and the background music…
So here is my blessay which I wrote whilst waiting for inspiration:
We have no sparrows anymore. Does anybody know why the sparrows have disappeared from our world?
We though now have Goldfinches, Great Tits, Green Finches, Robins and a whole host of songbirds, including white doves…
Where were they hiding? and have they intimidated the sparrows away with their colour and songs?
I have no time again, I want to write a poem, warp up a scarf, finish some coursework, write a blog and finish off my notebook – this was their apportioned slot – evaporating…
So whilst I wait - I finish off my notebook, blog about waiting and because I ran out of paper and I am listening to music which I had forgotten I had…
Wicked – the title not a description – the track where the witches go through a statement of intent, set to music and decide they can overcome gravity…
That is what I feel I have done over the last few years – resisted the gravity of inevitability…
On phrase, paraphrased here – I am through accepting limits because someone says it is so –
how will I know that “it” is something that I cannot change – until I try I will never know…
Flowery words, set to sweeping notes, which defy being sung along to, because my voice won’t reach that high anymore – but so what !!
Toby is walking, despite being told quite categorically he wouldn’t be able to.
I am doing many things today, that I was told I couldn’t do, because I did not have the talent or ability, was female or a whole host of invalid reasons…
So, where was I, ah – back to moaning, but not quite…
If new birds can appear in my garden and bring sunshine and song on their wings, there is no reason why I can’t do the same with the challenges which come into my world, they don’t always have to be negative experiences - not sure about the singing bit though….
So this morning I am off to be happy, having written a blog – which needs working on, so forgive the ramblings – finished my notebook and a diet which will start again tomorrow…
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